Updates: Faith Instead of Fear

I just wanted to put up a post to let everyone know how I am doing and what’s going on. Well, I must say things can be better, so I am just going to get to it. While in the hospital for my last bowel obstruction I found out that the chemo is keeping my abdominal tumors the same size, which means they are not shrinking. L   On top of that they spotted two new nodules on my lungs, one on each lung. They are small and the Doctors are not too concerned about them right now and do not know if they are cancerous or not. They are keeping an eye on them and after my last chemo, which is July 1^st I will get a scan and maybe a PET Scan to determine what is going on. To be honest I think they may be cancerous because my ca-125 cancer marker is rising and it should be falling, especially if the abdominal tumors are staying the same size. When they told me about the lung nodules I must say my heart sank and the feeling of defeat hung around for a day. But my rule is to not have a pity party more than one day because every day I am feeling okay is a good day, regardless of the situation.

The next step now is to go to Moffitt Cancer Institute in Tampa, FL. and try to get on one of the clinical trials. In order to qualify there are a lot of tests they need to run and I also need to be 30 days chemo free.   Right now, I am trying to coordinate things such as sending paperwork and scans in order for them to process and get me into the system as fast as possible. Ideally, if I get accepted, the sooner after the 30 days of being chemo free the better.   Cancer doesn’t mess around and I want to know as soon as possible if I get accepted or not for the trial. I really hope I get on the trial because if I don’t then my rope just got cut a lot shorter. My only other option is to change chemo’s and continue on that path until my body no longer can. It’s pretty bleak to say the least.

To be perfectly honest the last few months have been rough. Between my health issues, being tired all the time, the business being in its slow season and my car needing a major repair I know we are due for some good times. We are due for a harvest season.  If you follow Joel Osteen he is always talking about seasons and how everything and everyone has a season. Sometimes you are harvesting, sometimes you are planting, sometimes you are sowing and sometimes you are watering. Well, right now in my life, I feel like I have been in a planting season. I say this because I am going thru chemo and trying my hardest to stay positive and do my best physically. But it is really hard. It’s not easy, mentally, to surrender to your body, physically. Especially when you don’t want to. Every day I am reminded that I can’t do a lot of the things I used to do and it is frustrating. For instance, my brother is visiting and he and Jason decided to go Paddle boarding in Crystal River. Normally, that’s no big deal, but now it is a big deal. Just driving far is tiring, nonetheless, doing anything. Let’s not even talk about the heat, its sooooooooo hot and I can’t deal with it. I also just want to be able to eat a huge hot fried breaded chicken wing with fries, a big ass salad and wash it all down with a pitcher of beer. But no, I can’t do that anymore because my bowels suck from all the surgeries. Lol! Okay rant over. I just had to get that off my chest.

Anyway, I told Jason I think July is our month. I have a feeling good things will come in July, our harvest season.  I just keep praying, staying positive and dream of chicken wings. Lol!

Thanks for all the prayers and good vibes people are sending its really making my days. It’s like a little bit of sunshine through the dark clouds.

Updates and Having Faith Gives Me Hope.

I want to share with everyone how I am doing and what’s going on.   My big day was last Wednesday. That was the day they placed my port, ureter stents and later that night I started chemo. It’s been pretty rough to say the least and not because I hate these stents, but because the stakes are a lot higher this time around.   My cancer came back faster than expected and has spread all over my abdomen. The largest spot being on the front of my stomach and other areas of my abdomen as what the Doctor quoted, “What looks like ground beef” on my liver and other parts of the pelvic wall. There is also some fluid around my heart that they think is metastatic ovarian cancer. They hope the chemo will help all this, but because of the severity they have upped me to a stage 4. My prognosis is grim even if I do get thru chemo these next few months, 1-3 years tops. But, as I’ve heard time and time again, “We just don’t know.” I find it amazing how even in today’s day and age with all the technologies they still can say, “We just don’t know.” I hope you picked up on my sarcasm there. It’s depressing to say the least and I am trying my hardest to just go with the flow, deal with it and hope for a miracle. I am adjusting to my new normal right now. My mind says, “You are fine, let’s go do things,” but my body feels the complete opposite. It’s very hard dealing with the physically pain and emotional pain right now. However, I have come to a realization that there is absolutely no way I can deal with this kind of thing without having faith. So with that in mind I would like to tell you how I found my faith; and trust me it came in the nick of time. I realize that God is a touchy subject, but this is a true life story and its part of my journey so I feel it is important to share.

About three years ago, while I was at the gym, my good friend Delynn came up to me and handed me a picture, pointed to it and said, “That is the real Jesus.” I looked at it and smiled then flipped it over and read the back and it explained how to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ. I have to admit that I was quite surprised because Delynn is a free spirit and free thinker and I never heard her say anything about Jesus to me before that day. She explained that she has a friend that comes to the gym and carries that picture with her wherever she goes. The friend also makes additional copies and hands them out to people so they too can have a relationship with Jesus.   I told Delynn, “Thank You and I appreciate the picture.” I then put it in my gym bag and when I got home I put the picture of Jesus on my corkboard. As those three years went by many papers, receipts and misc. items made their way in front of Jesus, without much notice.

Fast forward to November 3rd 2014, one week before my last debulking surgery to remove the recurrent cancer.   A friend of mine told me to watch the movie, Heaven Is For Real. This is the movie where a 4 year old boy goes to Heaven while he is undergoing a surgery for an illness he had. During the movie he states he went to Heaven and saw Jesus and met his Grandfather, unborn sister and saw a great many things. What was interesting to me was when the boy’s Father kept showing him different picture depictions of Jesus and would ask him, “Was this the Jesus you saw?” Each time the boy would respond by saying, “kind of or Jesus’s eyes are more blue.” The boy’s responses always being nonchalant and assured.

Well, at the end of the movie, it shows a picture of this little girl who is named Akiane Kramarik who painted Jesus when she was 8 years old, who also claims to have had visions of heaven. The boy’s Father comes across the Akiane painting and asked his son, “Is this the Jesus you saw?” Without any hesitation or surprise the boy says, “Yes, that’s him, that Jesus.” The ease and the confidence the boy emits when seeing the picture of Jesus that Akiane made just makes you really wonder how can a child so young and innocent lie? Why would he want to? At that age there is no motive to lie about something like this.

So, I know you are probably asking yourself, Joyce, how did you find faith then? Well, the picture the boy identified as Jesus, at the end of the movie was in fact, the same exact picture of Jesus that Delynn gave me, three years ago. After watching the movie, I immediately went to my room, removed the built up papers and brought the picture down stairs, held it in my hand and stared at it in front of the TV in disbelief. The reason I had disbelief is for the sheer fact that Jesus found me three years ago and I just ignored him, he was there all along.  From that day on, November 3^rd 2014, I started a real relationship with Jesus. It was one week before my debulking surgery and at that time I was thinking to myself, “I don’t know if I can do this again.” I was so depressed and upset. Finding the picture of Jesus was a sign that I needed to give my fears to him. To have hope and faith in him and no matter what happens to me I am being led down the right path. It may not be the path I want, but it’s my path for a reason.

This leads me to one last point that I would like to make. I believe we all go thru tests in this life in order to better ourselves, our souls. The only way I can really wrap my head around what is happening to me, is to believe it’s a test. I have thought about it a million times, a million different ways and that’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Maybe it’s my test not to lose faith, which can lead to losing hope, which can lead to losing my will to fight. I can easily see how people get tired and just don’t care. You get tired of being sick, you get tired of living with pain 24/7, you get tired of worrying and you sure as hell just want to feel normal. So, maybe not losing faith is my test and maybe it’s not just my test, it’s everyone else’s test that cares about me.

I think the point is this: no matter what happens to me, whether I live or die, I cannot lose my faith and the people around me cannot lose their faith either, because in the end, believing in something is better than believing in nothing. Believing in something gives you hope. In order to have hope you really need to have faith. Having faith means you believe in a higher power/being.

I believe that Jesus is Lord overall and I believe with my heart that God raised him from the dead.   He has been here all along and no matter what I was made to be a fighter.

Jesus picture that was given to me.

Back of the Jesus picture that was given to me.

A Meeting Out of Thin Air. Fairies are real.

As I was flying back to FL, on Tuesday, I was thinking of the last trip I took to NJ, back in September. It was a very special trip for two reasons.   The first reason being it was my annual trip I take back to NJ to do the Ovarian Cancer Walk that is held every year in West Orange, NJ. All my family and close friends do the walk with me. This past year was the 4th time we all did it. The second reason it was a special trip was because out of thin air a connection was made, between me and a lady named Barbara, whom I met on my connecting flight from Charlotte, SC to Newark, NJ. I would like to tell you about it because most people find this story fascinating.

During my flight to NJ, back in September, I found myself booking my trip last minute so I didn’t get the seat by the window that I normally like. I was forced to choose from either an aisle seat or middle seat. Unwillingly, I decided to choose one of the aisle seats that were left in the three seat row. During the two hour flight the plane ride went as expected smooth and quiet.   However, about 20 minutes before we landed the man sitting next to the window turns and started to make general chit chat with Barbara who is in the middle me and the window guy. I over heard her say she lived in FL, so as the outgoing person I am I chimed in and asked her where in FL she lived? This got us talking and she later asked me why I was going to NJ. I kindly told her that I was going to do the Ovarian Cancer Walk and I do it every September, but for some reason unknown to me I found myself telling this woman, who is a stranger, my whole cancer story. How I went thru treatment and I was cancer free and then it came back and then the Docs are like its terminal and there’s nothing to cure you. Blah Blah Blah.

So this is where the story gets good. After listening to me she says, “I don’t know if you believe in this kind of thing, but my husband is intuitive and many times he can help people where the Doctors can’t. “ Meaning sometimes he can see if the Doctors are overlooking something or perhaps there is something that is inhibiting a person’s health via diet or toxin; things like that. She stated that all she needed was a picture with just me in it and she would ask him to read it for me and see if he picks up anything that may be of use to me.   Well, as you know me I tilted my head to the side and said, “Sure, why not.” We exchanged email addresses and that was it.   We exited the plane and went on our separate ways. Within two days I had my Mom take a picture of me and I sent it to her to give to her husband named JP. Since they do readings on Sunday’s, I believe she got back to me the following week and the reading she sent back to me was astonishing.

What I thought was going to be a little reading with a little advice turned into something so much more than expected. He didn’t just do a reading on my health it was a reading that encompassed all areas of my life and they were broken down into categories: Socially, Familial, Intellectually, Relational, Financially and lastly Health.

I was debating on putting the whole reading up in this blog, but I decided against it because it’s personal and it is pretty long. However, one part that was interesting that I will share with you was when he said, “She’s very attracted to the 70’s way of thinking, communing with nature. I see flowers in her hair, communing with trees, elves, wood fairies…Gallic culture.” The reason I found this interesting was because, One, I like to make flowers that go in peoples hair. Two, I really enjoy nature and in my 20’s I went thru a phase where I would go to festivals and camp out.   Three, which is the strangest of them all is in 2012, I swore I caught a fairy in a picture that I took of myself! I was wearing shamrock earrings that light up. In a sequence of pics that where taken with my iphone the last pic looks like a fairy. Down below I will post some pics for you to see which are NOT or never where on Facebook, except for the one of Jason and I.

As for my health he mentioned that my digestion and digestive flora was all messed up. I didn’t understand what that meant until my surgery in November. After I got a foot of my intestines out I had major digestive issues. My digestive flora was way off and it took a while to correct it thru diet and medicine. The other thing he mentioned in regards to my cancer was this: “I see her stomach completely inflamed. She should go to dry foods…dry seeds, cooked millet, barley, rice. Avoid wine and beer, as yeast is the problem. She has too much yeast in her body that is the trigger for her illness, as it can cause many diseases. To be healthy she has to remove the yeast. Yeast causes ill health. Her PH is too high. No vinegar, no citrus as they don’t help with the ph issue. Dry fruit is good.   Right away she has to cleanse the yeast and lower her PH. All comes from that…that is the trigger. Inflammation in intestines, yeast, PH imbalance may have triggered other physical trouble.” After I found this out I went to a local Doctor, he did in fact say that I do have a slight allergy to yeast.   So, ever since I received this information in the reading I have tried my best to eat properly and cut out foods with yeast. However, I do treat myself to pizza occasionally, since it is my favorite food. I do not know if this will work, but like the guy who held my hand said, “We have to believe in something.” I do believe. However, I know for many people this type of thing is very controversial and my answer to you is, to each their own.

Since my initial meeting with Barbara, I have kept in touch with her and JP.   In really dark and stressful times, such as deciding on whether or not to do chemo, I have turned to them for some guidance and they are always willing to help. There help and insight is always genuine and without expectations.   Their vision is, “That people everywhere will embrace their divine perfection and experience the freedom of living through the wealth of the spirit and expanding through joy.” You see, JP not only reads people, he has “visions” or insights on all types of subjects such as, birth, joy, death, happiness, reincarnation, obligation, metaphysics…They have a website and a Youtube page with over 200 short videos giving insight on all different types of subjects.

My meeting out of thin air with Barbara came at a really great time for me. I was heavily into Edgar Cayce and was reading up on all of his past articles that where written about life, the meaning of it, souls, twin souls, health topics, metaphysics…etc. So, for me to meet her by chance was a gift.  I personally find all of the videos very comforting and intriguing. They are very philosophical and topics I have always thought about and pondered.   It’s so exciting to really sit and think about our souls mission and the expansion it goes thru from being incarnate. However, I know many people just don’t want to think about this stuff, don’t care about thinking about it or just do not believe in it. But like I said, to each their own.   Nevertheless, if you are interested in this type of thing I am including the links to Barbara and JP’s Website called All In Whole and I am also including a link to their Youtube video page. All the information is free since they are a non-profit organization.

In conclusion, I would like to say that the reason I didn’t write about this, “Meeting Out of Thin Air,” with Barbara back in September is because I had to sit down and see how I felt about the situation. Even though I am an open minded person, the choices I make are very thought out. I had to see for myself if I felt JP and Barbara where unpretentious and I personally feel that they are.   I think what they are doing is great and for them to find it their mission to help people without any expectation is one of the most honorable attributes I have seen from an individual. Many people try to take advantage of people that are in a weak or comprised state/mind set and trust me I have met 1 or 2. However, Barbara and JP are not those people; they are trying to just help the greater good.

So, with all this in mind I move forward. My next scan is on March 13^th. No matter what happens I know that in my heart I have been trying my best and that’s all that I can do.

No matter what we do or how hard we try we are never in complete control of our lives. Appreciate each day and learn from it. No matter, if it’s good or bad.

Website: http://www.allinwhole.org/about.htm

Youtube Page: https://www.youtube.com/user/AllinWhole/videos

In a series of pics, the 3rd photo shows what appears to be a fairy! It looks like it is just chillin on my shoulder.

Flowers in my hair

A Beautiful Encounter

I had to write about a really great moment/encounter that happened to me today.  Earlier, I was in Walmart and I had my service dog, Bentley, with me.  Since he is tiny and really cute he attracts people.  I noticed there was a crowd of about 4 people admiring how cute and good he was being.  As one lady reached out to pet him she noticed he was a service dog and immediately became very respectful and said she should not come right out and pet him.  I told them all it was fine to pet him because he loves the attention and is also an emotional support dog.  I don’t know why, but I told them that he also gives me a lot of support and comfort since I am dealing with cancer.  They gave me there blessings and we all parted ways.  However, an older man with short blonde hair and glasses came back to me and said, “Can I ask you a question?”  I said, “Yes.”  He reached out his hand and asked if he could hold my hand in his hand.  In my head I was thinking, “why not?”  So, I gave him my hand.  He asked me what type of cancer I have, how long I have had it and my age.  I happily told him everything he wanted to know.  He closed his eyes for about 20 seconds and then looked at me and then said, “I wish you the best.”  I cocked my head to the side, smiled and said, “Thanks!” and then we parted ways.

About 10 minutes later as I was wondering around the store and the same guy comes up to me and asked me if I wanted to know why he did that.  I absolutely said, “Yes.”  He got really emotional and started to tear up and explained to me that when he was younger, in the 1960’s he was in a bad helicopter accident and was hospitalized for 45 days.  He explained to me that while he was hospitalized every day a young nurse would come in and hold his hand.  He found out that she had inoperable lung cancer.  About 6 months after his release he gets a phone call from the young nurse and she told him that her cancer was gone and nobody knew how or why.  She told him she believes it was from holding his hand.  He said, “I don’t know if that is true or not but, ever since then I have never felt compelled to hold another person’s hand and pray for healing, until today.”  He said, “I have no idea if it will help or not, I am not a “healer,” but we have to believe in something.”  I was amazed that this random person would be so compelled to pray for me and not even proclaim he was a “healer.”  His honesty and compassion was compelling and I gave him a hug and said, “Thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to try and help me.” And that was that.  It was a great moment that two strangers shared. I never even got his name and he never got my name.

It’s moments like that which make me stop and realize that I may have it shitty, but I am blessed.  I pray every day to God for help, peace and guidance and I ask him to send me his Angels not just in heaven, but on earth as well.   It’s moments like this one where I step back, realize, that even though that man may not have been an “Angel,” per say, he did an Angel act.  And that is what really mattered.  So, I take notice of these things and feel comfort in ways that I never saw coming, but prayed for.

Update on Scheduled Surgery.

So, I am just giving everyone a heads up as to what the surgical plan is for Monday. I will keep it short and simple.

The Doctor said I will have surgery this coming up Monday. The surgery will be at FL. Hospital in Orlando, FL.  I go in for surgery at 5am then surgery begins at 7am.  The surgery will last about 2 hours, as long as there are no problems.  However, there is a 50/50 chance of a bowel resection, but no bag. I will definitely need a stent placed into my ureter for at least 6 weeks then they will replace it every so often.   I should be in hospital for 3-7 days depending on what happens.   As for chemo they will send off my tumors to get tested to see if they respond to chemo.  The testing will take 3-5 weeks to get back.  That is good so my body has time to recover.   Last time I started chemo a week after surgery.  So that’s good at least.  I can get my head right for that.  If it’s chemo resistant I will go over other options such as trials or whatever they list off as “options.”   So, now we just pray he can get all of the tumors out and without any problems.

I can’t even begin to thank everyone for the out poor of support. I do not think I have mentioned this, but I take everyone’s support, suggestions, gifts, prayers, jokes, food, funny videos, smiles, etc to heart.  None of it goes over looked and none of it is unappreciated. It really does help me feel better and I believe all the support will help heal me. It means the world to not only me, but Jason and my family.   I am finally starting to feel mentally strong for surgery.  I was battling depression for a while, but I think my psyche is aligning.  I know it’s important in order for my body to get thru surgery.   I will be able to get on Facebook from the hospital so I will give updates as best as I can.

UPDATES: Doctor’s Cont’d

Since my last post a lot has changed with my condition. Last time I was telling you I decided to do surgery and that is still true. However, my new Doctor in Orlando wanted me to get a CT Scan done ASAP, so I did this past week. I am glad I did because I have been having pain. The CT Scan showed a lot of things.   First, it showed that all my tumors have doubled in size.   The biggest being 6.7cm x 6.0cm. Second, another tumor in my left lower pelvis is causing an obstruction to my ureter (this connects the kidney to the bladder) which is making my left kidney enlarged; this is bad. Third, there is something going on with my lower left pulmonary lobe (the lung).   They are not sure what it is, maybe inflammation or it may be an infection. So, with all this news I have been scheduled for surgery on November 10^th at Fl. Hospital in Orlando. Because my tumors are growing faster than expected I will most likely get chemo after. L The Doctor said they will test the tumor to see which chemo will be affective in regards to chemo. So I am not on anything that I do not need.   I must say this entire thing is so taxing on me not just physically, but emotionally.

People often say to me that I am so brave and so strong.   I really love hearing that, but I just do what I have to do. Trust me the second time around is 1 million times harder than the first time around.   When you hear the phrase “Ignorance is bliss” this is a prime example.   All my anxiety and all my fears stem from the fact that I have been thru cancer and treatment before.   What I would give to go back to the day I just woke up from a regular routine surgery thinking I just had fibroids. However, on that day my doctor informed me that while I was under they found cancer, a lot of cancer, and that I needed an emergency hysterectomy, omentectomy, appendectomy and would have to endure months of chemotherapy. You see, the first time around my life was just thrown into this new world of shit. I technically went thru the “back door.” I had no idea I had cancer. I just woke up and the Doctors gave me the bad news. But this time, this time; no! I have to walk thru the front door.   I have to deal with it head on and it’s harder than I ever expected. Getting the diagnosis of having cancer, a second time around, is like being forced to walk into a burning building and you have no choice but to go into it. You have NO choice. You can’t pray it away, wish it away, bargain it away, buy it away, love it away or baby it away. I have no choice but to go into the burning building and who willingly wants to go into a burning building? Ironically, the only solitude that I have is knowing that I have been thru it before. However, this time around I may have some tools to help me along the way that I didn’t have before. Such as questions to ask the doctor, knowing medical terminology, being self -aware of my body, knowing what I need emotionally, knowing what medicine does what, knowing what to expect from certain chemo’s…the list goes on. But still, after all is said and done, nobody wants to willingly walk into a burning building no matter what supplies they may have, except for Fireman. Lol! At least Fireman are willingly saving lives. I am just trying to save my own.

At the end of the day I sit here thinking can I do this again? Do I want to do this again? I am scared! Cancer is a user. It uses your body to feed. It uses your emotions to make you weak. I am not sure if I am up to this physically or emotionally?! All I am, all I know is that I am a fighter and if I did it once, I will try my hardest to do it again. I just have to pray, be strong and know that I am loved.  I may get knocked down, but I’ll get up again, you’re never keep me down! Fuck You Cancer!

Recent Updates on Part 1: Doctors Cont’d. Treatment Options

In my previous post, I separated my blog into three parts; Doctors, Angels and Caregivers. I decided to hold off on the Angels post for the moment since I have a new update in regards to Doctors.   However, I promise my next post will be about all the Angels I have met on my journey, thus far.

In the meantime, I went to Orlando yesterday to see a new GYN/oncologist. I really like this Doctor. His opinion is informative and rational. He thinks I should definitely have surgery, and do it now, instead of waiting until I really don’t feel well.   If a bowel obstruction occurred during the wait, for example, my body would have to recover from both the surgery and the bowel obstruction.

While I am asymptomatic and feeling okay, I will heal better not having to recover from both situations. Lastly, he mentioned that if I let the current “hot spots” go without treatment, they can feed blood supply to smaller areas that may be growing.   He made me feel confident in his ability to perform the surgery.   I told him my concerns and he gave me good feedback

Either way, I will need surgery he stated. If I do nothing, then I am just waiting for the inevitable. Surgery can at least buy me some time. His rationale makes sense to me.

The only difference between his opinion and mine is he thinks I should also do chemo, not only thru a port in my chest, like last time, but through a port in my stomach as well.   He is the only doctor out of the four I’ve seen that suggested chemo.   I think that’s a bit extreme and I told him I am not comfortable with it. I just think that chemo breaks your body down too much. He said he would know for sure if it will be needed once they test the tumor to see if it’s resistant.

I feel that the point of the surgery is to buy me more quality time. Why waste that time doing chemo and then recovering from it? He also said that the chemo would statistically help only 17%. So he asked me, “What do you want to do?” I just shook my head and said, ”I don’t know.” I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Recently, I met someone that lost his wife a few years back to brain cancer and he also documented his experience through it.   In his writing, he compared the game ”Would You Rather” to the game of choosing the correct cancer treatment. I have to say he was dead on.   The game “Would You Rather” is a game that you play with friends. Your friends give you the dare; you have to pick one of two crappy choices, and then perform that crappy choice on the spot. For instance, would you rather drink oil or eat sand? Both those choices suck. That example is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to do either of my choices with cancer, but I have to; then add the guilt and trauma of wondering if it’s the right choice.

I am going to give myself a few days to think about it. I am now leaning towards doing the surgery sooner than later. I really wanted to wait until the New Year to get the CT scan and surgery because I would like to enjoy the holidays with my family and not in recovery. I also would like to finish my cannabis oil treatment. My 90 days to finish it are up on December 22nd. My next CT scan here is scheduled for January 6th and it would be nice to see if there are any changes. However, my new doctor is ready to do surgery probably in a month which means he wants me to get the CT scan done now.

Which do I choose? Wait until the New Year or do it now? Do I do chemo or do I pass on it? Am I willing to finish my oil treatment and risk possible new growth? So many choices and I am just so tired of thinking. The weight of my world is on my shoulders; it’s real and it’s heavy.

Fl Hospital in Orlando is where I went yesterday. They where recently ranked in the top 10 for Gynecology. That’s a great thing. Feeling confident.

Doctor, Angels and Caregivers. Part 1

The title of this blog post is called Doctors, Angels and Caregivers because thru this shitty journey I have met all three. The order is not of any importance it’s the role that each one plays in my journey.   Let’s start with Doctors.

Doctors

Since I last posted I went to see my Gyn/Oncologist. Usually the experience is very routine. The Doctor comes in, does an exam, talks about how I am feeling and they say we will watch things and then I leave to reschedule in a few months.   However, this time around the experience was much different. I had to wait for 1 hour just to be seen and then when I got into the room I waited another hour and half! Half naked with a sheet. All I can say is thank God for Iphones and thank God for that sheet. That a side, when I saw my Doctor her demeanor was different. I knew she was busy and in a rush, but overall I just got a dismal vibe, no answers and just more confused and anxious than before. We spoke briefly about what I have been doing the last few months and all the other doctors opinions. She agreed that surgery is still not the right option for me right now. I told her my use of cannabis oil and she didn’t have anything to say about it. She just said, ”I don’t know anything about it, so, I can’t comment on it.” I said, “okay.” That was no big deal, but what really upset me was the lack of compassionate care.   Feeling like I have been written off because there is nothing they can do for me so technically I am terminal. It really hurts to type that word. Terminal. It’s scarier than the word Cancer.

Anyways, I expressed my deepest concern and that was my worry of getting a permanent bag because when I went thru chemo the first time I had to have one for 6 months and I always said and still say that the bag was worse than cancer. It was just a constant reminder that I was sick. It’s 24 hours a day, its high maintenance and there is no escaping it. Sometimes I would get anxiety because I felt claustrophobic with it. It all around sucks!! So the Doctor’s answer was this exactly, “Well, unfortunately most women who get ovarian cancer die from a bowel obstruction.” That was it! IT! All I could say was, “that’s nice” and my face said the rest. Where the fuck is compassionate care? I mean off the bat when I went thru cancer the first time she was so awesome and now I just feel like they look at me hopeless. It’s no good, so it’s time for fresh eyes. I am going to get another second opinion soon at different hospital down in Orlando to see if there’s anything new out there. This is important because my blood work shows that my CA-125 doubled, it went from 8 in May and now its 20.  Those of you who know about CA-125 know that anything under 32 is within normal range, but not for me.  At full diagnosis stage 3C mine was only 76.  The ca-125 can go into the thousands at my cancer stage.  So the doctors said its not a good indicator for me, but nonetheless, its still rising.  That’s not good. Also, when my current Doctor read the ct scan from Moffitt and saw that the tumor grew from 2.7cm to 3.3cm she thought that was faster than expected. Not good news either.   So, trying not to freak out, I keep strong and persevere on.  I will hopefully see the new oncologist soon.  In the mean time I have continued to eat extremely healthy and use the cannabis oil treatment.  I just started the 60grams in 90 days. I figure hey, its better than just waiting around and doing nothing like everyone else wants to do.  It gives me hope and hope is what I need.

Part 2 is Angels and I will post that soon.

Everyone has a choice. Never Sacrifice

Okay, I know it’s been awhile since I have posted and I apologize for that. Events in my life this past month has made my stress level go from high to a level I didn’t even knew existed.   I will not go into detail about it, but those of you that know me understand what I am talking about. It is not related to my health and it is not related to Jason. It is related to the Academy and all I have to say is this, “the saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” One lesson I learned is that betrayal hurt me more than finding out my cancer was back. The stress of my cancer coming back and it not being curable combined with the betrayal of people in my life has undoubtedly made this month the worst month of my life, and that is saying a f**king LOT!

Anyway, enough with the bitch fest, onward and upward.   Even with all the crap going on I have continued to take my supplements and my cannabis oil. I have included a pic of the oil and the tincture that I am taking. My alkaline diet went out the window. I found out that I am a stress eater, but I have recently refocused and am back on track with the diet, for the most part. Some people have asked me what are the supplements that I am taking so here is the list.

• IP-6 tablets – twice a day
• Mushroom extract – twice a day
• Cannabis oil – once a day
• Cannabis tincture – once a day
• Melatonin – once a day(at night)
• Vitamins: B12, D, C, Calcium and Osteo-Flex – once a day
• Anxiety meds – when needed
• Anti-depressant – once a day

I would say that’s it, but that’s a lot. I will admit its hard taking the supplements correctly every day. Some have to be with food, some without food, some have to be refrigerated, etc. All I can say is that I am trying my best.

As far as physical symptoms I must say overall I feel good. I do get tired easily and lately I have been having abdominal pain. I know it’s the tumors and that really worries me. My mind immediately goes toward the negative. I am picturing the tumors growing and spreading, but thanks

The oil is in the round plastic container and the tincture is with the eye dropper

to therapy I am able to identify when that is happening and turn it around to think positive. Maybe they are shrinking? I don’t know and I will not know until I go for my next scan and that will probably be in late October or early November since that is when I see my Hematologist Oncologist next. I see my Gynecologist Oncologist in September, but she will just do a physical and blood work.

Every year I go back to NJ and I do the Ovarian Cancer walk/run that takes place in West Orange, NJ. I was seriously debating on not going this year because I feel like I need to stay and get things back on track, but then it dawned on me that this is really my time. I need to be grateful and cherish this time that I have when I am feeling good because I don’t know what is in store for me down the line. I hope its good, but lets me realistic as well.  SO with that in mind I WILL be coming to NJ and I WILL be doing the walk. I have always said that people have a choice and I choose to take this time for me and to see my family, friends and to continue the Ovarian Cancer Walk tradition that has been going on for the last 3 years, ever since I was dx.   I have included a link to the walk if anybody is interested in it.

http://www.walkforovariancancer.com/

 

 

Going Rogue On Cancer

It has been awhile since I posted because I was waiting to see if I got on the clinical trial. Well, needless to say I am still waiting! If you have been following my blog you know the past issues I have had with Moffitt and it just doesn’t get any better for me with them. I called to ask if the tissues slides came in and they said we haven’t heard and when we find out we will let you know. Normally, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but they were the ones in the beginning that where all concerned about the 28 day time frame. They said I had 28 days from the day I received my prelim testing to when I could start the trial drug. Well, today is the 27th of July and my prelim testing was on June 30th. So, needless to say that happened. Also, when I went online to their patient portal system, which is just a database to see appointments and records, they had my name spelled wrong on the portal. Goyce! Seriously?! All my records had my correct name, but on the portal it says Goyce. When I mentioned this to the receptionist and the nurse they said it must be a clerical error so here is tech support number and they can help you. Really lady? Clerical errors in this business will get you killed. Not to mention I had the Doctor I saw in NJ look at my CT images from November to see if my cancer really was there back then and he said I looked at the imaging and I just don’t see what they are seeing! So needless to say I have had a crap load of issues and I haven’t even gotten treatment from them yet. Due to all of these issues I do not feel comfortable receiving treatment with them at this point in time. With this being said I have made a conscious decision to seek other alternative methods of treatment, such as holistic and natural.

I know my decision is risky and to honest it is downright scary. But I do believe that we, as people, put too much hope into Western Medicine and into these Doctors. Doctors are very skilled and educated, yes, but let’s remember they are people too and they make mistakes. They are not God. I do believe that there are natural cures and I am choosing to do my own “clinical trial” if you will. In reality, I am actually just doing what my initial doctor wanted. And that is to just do nothing and monitor me at this point since I am feeling fine and asymptomatic. However, I am choosing not to just do nothing, but to be proactive in the “do nothing” period.

So many of you are probably thinking are you crazy? Yes and no. Reason being is that everyone’s cancer is different. Mine is a slow growing cancer which is why the doctors want to monitor it right now. Surgery is too risky because of the size and location and chemo will not affect it and these trials are risky too. If you put cancer in one hand and then you put cancer treatment (Western medicine) in the other they are not much different. In my case, the doctors are telling me I have time, years at this point, which is another reason why they are not in a rush to do surgery. So in one hand I have cancer, and that alone will kill me, if I do nothing. In the other hand, I have traditional treatment and that alone will kill me too. Because my cancer is not curable once I start any type of drug or treatment then I would have to be on and off it for the rest of my life. The Doctor at Moffitt even said the drug I was trying to get on would not put me into remission. I would be on it until I had side effects to the point I would be forced to stop, I died, or I just didn’t want to do it. In my opinion the second I start on one of these drugs I am already dead. My quality of life would go to shit. To me that’s not living. If I am going out of this life then it’s going to be my way! All the side effects of these cancer drugs are horrible. They rip your body to shreds and then if you are lucky enough to get thru cancer you’re left to pick up the pieces. I know this since I already went thru 3 surgeries and chemo. Luckily, I am young and agile, but most people are not that lucky.

So, as far as natural treatment options are concerned I will be posting more about them within the week. I will be seeing an alternative medicine doctor this upcoming week and I will have a better idea of my options. I have already decided to completely change my life style. I have decided to go alkaline. I have heard and read many great things about maintaining an alkaline ph since cancer cannot grow. However, if you already have cancer then the PH has to between a certain level because being too alkaline will stifle cancer, which we do not want. To be honest this is very hard, because nobody wants to eat a pizza and drink wine more than me. However, I think of it like this, going thru chemo was hard so this is just me being bitchy and hungry. Lol! I am also going to be starting on some herbal oils. And most of you know that I am already active. So with all of this being said I have decided to keep my head up and move on. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I will not just “do nothing” and I am not going out without a fight, because that is how roll. Wish me luck and I will keep you posted.

Even though I have contacted everyone so far who has donated to my gofundme.com account I want to just say thank you again. Alternative medicine treatment is not covered at all by insurance so your donations will help me out more than you know. You are all lifesavers!! From the bottom of my heart thank you. I am asking everyone to please share my donation page of Facebook so we can get it out there.

http://www.gofundme.com/joyces-journey