Updates: Faith Instead of Fear

I just wanted to put up a post to let everyone know how I am doing and what’s going on. Well, I must say things can be better, so I am just going to get to it. While in the hospital for my last bowel obstruction I found out that the chemo is keeping my abdominal tumors the same size, which means they are not shrinking. L   On top of that they spotted two new nodules on my lungs, one on each lung. They are small and the Doctors are not too concerned about them right now and do not know if they are cancerous or not. They are keeping an eye on them and after my last chemo, which is July 1^st I will get a scan and maybe a PET Scan to determine what is going on. To be honest I think they may be cancerous because my ca-125 cancer marker is rising and it should be falling, especially if the abdominal tumors are staying the same size. When they told me about the lung nodules I must say my heart sank and the feeling of defeat hung around for a day. But my rule is to not have a pity party more than one day because every day I am feeling okay is a good day, regardless of the situation.

The next step now is to go to Moffitt Cancer Institute in Tampa, FL. and try to get on one of the clinical trials. In order to qualify there are a lot of tests they need to run and I also need to be 30 days chemo free.   Right now, I am trying to coordinate things such as sending paperwork and scans in order for them to process and get me into the system as fast as possible. Ideally, if I get accepted, the sooner after the 30 days of being chemo free the better.   Cancer doesn’t mess around and I want to know as soon as possible if I get accepted or not for the trial. I really hope I get on the trial because if I don’t then my rope just got cut a lot shorter. My only other option is to change chemo’s and continue on that path until my body no longer can. It’s pretty bleak to say the least.

To be perfectly honest the last few months have been rough. Between my health issues, being tired all the time, the business being in its slow season and my car needing a major repair I know we are due for some good times. We are due for a harvest season.  If you follow Joel Osteen he is always talking about seasons and how everything and everyone has a season. Sometimes you are harvesting, sometimes you are planting, sometimes you are sowing and sometimes you are watering. Well, right now in my life, I feel like I have been in a planting season. I say this because I am going thru chemo and trying my hardest to stay positive and do my best physically. But it is really hard. It’s not easy, mentally, to surrender to your body, physically. Especially when you don’t want to. Every day I am reminded that I can’t do a lot of the things I used to do and it is frustrating. For instance, my brother is visiting and he and Jason decided to go Paddle boarding in Crystal River. Normally, that’s no big deal, but now it is a big deal. Just driving far is tiring, nonetheless, doing anything. Let’s not even talk about the heat, its sooooooooo hot and I can’t deal with it. I also just want to be able to eat a huge hot fried breaded chicken wing with fries, a big ass salad and wash it all down with a pitcher of beer. But no, I can’t do that anymore because my bowels suck from all the surgeries. Lol! Okay rant over. I just had to get that off my chest.

Anyway, I told Jason I think July is our month. I have a feeling good things will come in July, our harvest season.  I just keep praying, staying positive and dream of chicken wings. Lol!

Thanks for all the prayers and good vibes people are sending its really making my days. It’s like a little bit of sunshine through the dark clouds.

A Beautiful Encounter

I had to write about a really great moment/encounter that happened to me today.  Earlier, I was in Walmart and I had my service dog, Bentley, with me.  Since he is tiny and really cute he attracts people.  I noticed there was a crowd of about 4 people admiring how cute and good he was being.  As one lady reached out to pet him she noticed he was a service dog and immediately became very respectful and said she should not come right out and pet him.  I told them all it was fine to pet him because he loves the attention and is also an emotional support dog.  I don’t know why, but I told them that he also gives me a lot of support and comfort since I am dealing with cancer.  They gave me there blessings and we all parted ways.  However, an older man with short blonde hair and glasses came back to me and said, “Can I ask you a question?”  I said, “Yes.”  He reached out his hand and asked if he could hold my hand in his hand.  In my head I was thinking, “why not?”  So, I gave him my hand.  He asked me what type of cancer I have, how long I have had it and my age.  I happily told him everything he wanted to know.  He closed his eyes for about 20 seconds and then looked at me and then said, “I wish you the best.”  I cocked my head to the side, smiled and said, “Thanks!” and then we parted ways.

About 10 minutes later as I was wondering around the store and the same guy comes up to me and asked me if I wanted to know why he did that.  I absolutely said, “Yes.”  He got really emotional and started to tear up and explained to me that when he was younger, in the 1960’s he was in a bad helicopter accident and was hospitalized for 45 days.  He explained to me that while he was hospitalized every day a young nurse would come in and hold his hand.  He found out that she had inoperable lung cancer.  About 6 months after his release he gets a phone call from the young nurse and she told him that her cancer was gone and nobody knew how or why.  She told him she believes it was from holding his hand.  He said, “I don’t know if that is true or not but, ever since then I have never felt compelled to hold another person’s hand and pray for healing, until today.”  He said, “I have no idea if it will help or not, I am not a “healer,” but we have to believe in something.”  I was amazed that this random person would be so compelled to pray for me and not even proclaim he was a “healer.”  His honesty and compassion was compelling and I gave him a hug and said, “Thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to try and help me.” And that was that.  It was a great moment that two strangers shared. I never even got his name and he never got my name.

It’s moments like that which make me stop and realize that I may have it shitty, but I am blessed.  I pray every day to God for help, peace and guidance and I ask him to send me his Angels not just in heaven, but on earth as well.   It’s moments like this one where I step back, realize, that even though that man may not have been an “Angel,” per say, he did an Angel act.  And that is what really mattered.  So, I take notice of these things and feel comfort in ways that I never saw coming, but prayed for.

My Final Decision. It’s Not What You Do, It’s How You Do It.

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update. Yesterday, I saw my original Gyn/Oncologist because I needed to speak to another person about what I should do about treatment.   I was really worried because I thought it would confuse me more, but it actually has helped resolve my heavy heart.

After I spoke to her about the two different opinions I was getting from the surgeon and the chemo doctor she said, “Don’t tell me what they think, let me tell you what I think.” I said, “okay.” She then went on to explain to me that there is no right or wrong choice, it’s just choosing what makes me happy. She mentioned that since my type of ovarian cancer is rare there is not a whole lot of data and studies out there on it. However, the two major studies that come from Europe have said it doesn’t matter if the patient does chemo treatment right after surgery or if they wait, because the outcome will not improve their overall survival rate. With that being said, she said to me, “If I was you, I would wait to do chemo because it doesn’t improve your odds of living longer and why put those toxins into your body unless you really have to.” She also didn’t think I should do the Phase 1 trial in Maryland. She did say, “let’s wait and see what your next scan in March shows, if it’s clear you’re good, if it’s not, then we go from there.  Even if it does shows tumor growth I still don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to as long as I am feeling good that is what really matters. However, if it does come back I may qualify for the original clinical trial that I was going to do in July at Moffitt, if it is still available. So that’s good.

Other than that she basically said to enjoy my life, now, since I am feeling good.   She said, “Go to Costa Rica it’s beautiful! Have some fun and do all the things you always wanted to do. I could see my mom out of the corner of my eye and the tears where just rolling down her face. It was one of the toughest things I ever had to witness. I could see the love in my Mother’s eyes for me, it was heart breaking. The doctor tried to console her by saying statistically she was more at risk of dying in the next 5 years than I was. She then said, “Losing a child was on the list as the #1 single hardest thing a person can go thru in life.” It was just so heart breaking. She then asked if I believed in Jesus, I said, “yes I do.” She reminded me to have faith thru him, and no matter what, we have to believe we are all going to go to a better place. However, we all have different time lines and that the second we are born we are all technically “terminal.”   I couldn’t have agreed more. The Doctor then turns to me and my mother and says, “It’s not how long you live, but it’s what you do while you’re alive, so make memories, those last forever.” I couldn’t have agreed more. Then I realized that I had tears rolling down my face.

So this visit with the Doctor reassured me that the choice of not doing chemo was the correct one, for me at least. My biggest fear thru all of this was not going thru treatment, not dying, but it was the question; was I making the right choice? As sad as it is I feel relief, at least for right now. I just have to take it one day at a time. As my brother says, you have an official “Fuck it card.”

So, with all of that I am taking some time for me and trying to distress after all of this. I am taking a road trip back home to NJ with my Mother, in early February, after I see my Urologist. We are going to stop along the way in Savanah and take a day tour of the city because I always wanted to go. Then we are going to stop in Asheville, NC to stay at the Biltmore Manor for a day because I always wanted to go.   Then stop somewhere else along the way, preferable a place that was on Diner’s, Drive-in & Dive’s, since I love that show and I always get the munchies when I watch it. Lol! And apparently I need to start saving for Costa Rica so I can go with Jason. Lol! I haven’t officially started a bucket list or anything because I have done a lot of things that I have wanted to do. But I am definitely open for any recommendations. Sky diving is on it, but I am scarred shitless.

So, for now all I can say is this: Life is so much brighter when you focus on what really matters. Not on the petty things. Savor every second of your life and appreciate what is all around you and who is around you. Do not surround yourself with negative people or situations, but surround yourself with positive people and positive things. God wants us to enjoy this gift of life that he has given us and not waste a moment of it because every second is precious. So to all of you out there reading this go out and enjoy your lives, tell all your friends and family that you love them, make memories together and just be happy.

I love you all!

Decisions, Life Making Decisions. I Wish Cancer Would Leave Me Alone

I know it has been awhile since I have last posted.  Things have been very stressful for me the last few months.  I have been dealing with making the best educated decision as to what is the next best course of action for me in regards to treatment.  And apparently it’s not cut and dry.  I wish it was cut and dry and I want it to be cut and dry, but it’s totally not.

So, here is what’s been going on.  Since my last post I have seen both my surgeon and my chemo doctor in regards to post-surgical treatment, which means drug therapy.  I have two totally different opinions.

My chemo doctor is telling me that I have the option to choose to do chemo or not do chemo.  The reason I have the option is that for my kind of ovarian cancer I am most likely chemo resistant.  I could choose to do chemo, but there is no guarantee that it will work.  The odds are like 5-15% that it would work.  So, my thoughts are why do something that is just going to break my body down, for those kinds odds?  I personally do not think it’s worth doing right now for those odds.  She also said that they will watch me closely with scans and when it comes back, which it definitely will come back, I can do chemo at that time if I want to.

My surgeon on the other hand is like no! You have to do chemo right now and you only have a limited 12 week window to start it from time of surgery and my window is pretty much shut right now since its been so long since surgery.   But he wants to put me on Taxol and Gemzar once a week for 6 months.  I was like that’s a lot of chemo I didn’t even get that much the first time. He said, “that’s my recommendation.”  The Caris report came back (Report that tests the chemo against the cancer) and he thinks that chemo may help so even with the crappy odds its worth a shot, in his opinion.  I told my chemo doctor what my surgeon said and she said regardless of what the reports say I would put you on a different chemo, Taxol and Carboplatin, because that’s what you got last time.   She thinks regardless of what the report says the likelihood of the chemo working is less likely than it working.  I mean these two Doctors can’t even agree on what type of laxative I should be on.  One says mineral oil and the other is like, that must suck, so try this because it’s better.  My mind is in constant motion and its very emotionally taxing.

I finally told the surgeon that I choose not to do chemo so he says well we better start looking for a clinical trial for you since the only thing the Doctor’s do agree on is that the cancer is definitely going to come back.   So, the surgeon sends my records to MD Anderson in Texas and National Institutes of Health (NIH) in Maryland.  MD Anderson said they had no studies for me.   Last Thursday I get a call from NIH and they say they have no studies for me, however, later that same day I get a call from a Doctor at NIH, he said, “I know they told you that there are no studies, but you qualify for my study.”  Its an immunotherapy drug and its only in a phase 1 that started in 2011.  It’s not a study just on ovarian cancer but on all cancers right now and we are taking people that do not have any measurable disease, so you qualify.  He sent me the information and I read it over and it sounds interesting and good. The side effects aren’t that bad.  But the question is, will it benefit me?  I know I would benefit the study, but would it benefit me?  I never thought I would consider doing a phase 1, but I kind of am.  It would be a pain in the ass because they would fly me to Maryland every month to get an injection then fly me back home to FL the same day.  I would also be getting scanned every two months.  Now that’s a full day at the office if I ever saw one.

I believe that in every life a person is put here to learn a lesson.  The only lesson that I could possibly be learning is to trust my decisions and be confident in them.  Regrets are the worst and I do not want to feel like I made the wrong decision.  Especially since I have so many different opinions.   I don’t know which decision is right for me.  I do not want to suffer and I do not want to watch my body break down, at least not right now.  When I talk to the surgeon he makes me feel like I am going to die tomorrow if I don’t do anything.  When I talk to the chemo doctor she makes me consider my quality of life along with my decision.  It’s so upsetting and I can’t believe I have to make these kinds of decisions.  These are major life decisions that I am forced to make.  I am just so tired of all this.  I wish cancer would just leave me alone.

Unless you know me and you know what I am dealing with you can’t tell I am going thru all this turmoil because I look “normal” right now, or healthy I should say because I am not on any medicine.  I am so grateful for that and I want to hold onto that because I know in the future, could be very near future, all that will change.  I do not take it for granted. I am thankful every day.  This leads me to one last thought. I can’t stand when I hear somebody say, “Well, I could get into a car accident tomorrow, we all just don’t know and we all have limited time.” I have one thing to say back to that remark. Well, the doctor isn’t staring you in the face saying that you definitely will die in a car accident and it’s definitely going to happen within the next 3 years.  How do you think you would feel?  You would wonder every day for the next 3 years if today was that day?  You would try to map out the safest route so you wouldn’t get into that car accident.  You would buy the safest car out there to protect yourself when you did get into that car accident.   But, it doesn’t matter because the doctors are still telling you no matter what you do, or how you do it, you will still get into that car accident.  And on top of that, no matter what you do, you will not survive that car accident.   SO, now can you put yourself in my shoes.

I Got Knocked Down, But I Got Up Again. My New Normal

It’s been a day since I was released from the hospital for a bowel obstruction. I was able to escape this time without having surgery, but the Doctors say I am at high risk for another since my colon and parts of my intestines are narrowed from the surgery I had last month. They are making me use mineral oil to lube up my bowels to make things more “easy going.” My older friend joked how models use mineral oil as a weight management tool because your body does not absorb it and it also blocks your body from absorbing fat soluble nutrients. All I am going to say is that I have a new profound outlook towards models that do use this because its neither pretty nor is it glamorous. It’s downright disgusting. I feel like a damn oil rig and I will leave you at that.

When I went into the ER at 9:30pm on Sunday I was pretty positive that I had a bowel obstruction, but was not 100% until they did the CT Scan. Jason and I knew that if it was a bowel obstruction the seriousness of the situation because my last Doctor told me that most women with ovarian cancer die of bowel obstructions. I will never forget when then Doctor in the ER came in at 1:30am and told us it was indeed an obstruction and I might need surgery and if that is the case its risky since I just had surgery a month ago.   At the same exact time Jason and I just looked at each other and I can only explain it as sheer fear and terror. Jason started to cry and I was just stricken with fear. I started telling Jason things that I wanted him to know about finances and personal items and just morbid shit, but I felt like I had to say it. I kept thinking is this it? Am I going to get out of here alive?   Is this really how it’s going to go down? My family isn’t even here they are in Nj. I just kept thinking I am not ready to go, I am not ready to go. I have always said that I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to leave the people that I love and care about. I want to live and experience life with them. That is the thought that crossed my mind, not the fears of dying per say.   This past week has felt like I literally just came back from war and the hits just keep on coming.

While in the hospital I found out that the Chemo Fx Essay test, which is supposed to use my tissue samples to see which chemo positively affects my cancer, came back as insignificant. They said they couldn’t grow my tissue samples enough to have the chemo tests work on them. I think that was my breaking point. After I heard that I just broke down in tears. I mean how much more ca1n I take? And it’s really just the beginning. I have been thru so much this past month. My recover y has been so hard with constant bowel issues and now this. I was really counting on this to help aide as a tool towards my treatment. Luckily they did something called a Caris Molecular test. I don’t really know what it is and even with all the paper work it’s still so confusing. Hopefully, when I see my Hematologist on January 6^th to discuss chemo treatment she will go over it. They say it can also help aid in picking chemo treatment. Just the thought of chemo at this point is just another blow. It’s just one thing after another.

Right now physically I am feeling okay, but emotionally is a whole other story. While I am still hopeful and have the fight in me I can feel each new issue or problem slowly chipping away at me and each new problem it makes it even harder to deal with. Luckily there is Xanax. Lol! Anybody that has to go thru cancer not only has to be mentally strong, but spiritually strong. I can feel the struggles going on inside of me and it’s no joke. Each new problem that comes up slowly opens my eyes to how real this is and how this is my new normal and I know it will only get worse and that scares me. While in the hospital, the first nurse that I had on Monday was a women named Susan. Susan is 68 years old and she told me that all the fears, all the anxiety, all the pain and struggles that I am going thru she understood 100% because she too is a Teal Sister and a Teal Warrior. She was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer 5 years ago and has gone thru it twice already. She also said that she thinks there is a good chance it might be back again and that Thursday she will find out for sure. On Wednesday Susan said if you see my Friday you know I am fine, if not, then things didn’t go well. Friday came and I never saw Susan. I fucking hate cancer.

Sometimes I think why can’t I just go in some tragic accident or something?   Fast and relatively painless. Seeing and feeling my body go thru this prolonged process is bullshit and anybody going thru this will tell you the same thing.

This brings me to Natalie. Natalie is a girl that I am proud to call my friend and my pen pal. We met thru one of the online cancer boards three and a half years ago and have been friends on Facebook ever since.  Natalie is my age, 35 years old, has stage 3c ovarian cancer just like me. She lives in Kentucky and I live in Florida. Two girls, two different worlds, but the same disease unites us. Recently in Octo00ber I had the pleasure of finally meeting her for the first time in Pensacola Beach.   Even though Pensacola is 6 hours from where I live it was a journey I had to make and would not have missed for the world. She has been dealing with this disease about a year and a half longer than I have and I look up to her because she is so brave and has also been thru so much. The day we finally met we sat looking at the ocean and talked all day about who we are, what we are dealing with and our thoughts about the entire situation. We ironically are dealing with very similar complications and being able to talk to her has helped me so much. It was a meeting I will never forget. Sadly, I can’t help but think of other women in the world our age that are dealing with this same exact disease at this exact moment in time. Having someone to talk to other than a therapist does help and I am just grateful that I have her. I am just sad that we have to bond over cancer.

As Christmas is approaching I hope that anyone reading this truly understands that health is the one thing you cannot buy.  Respect yourself, tell the people you love how much you love them and don’t take the days you feel good for granted.

Merry Christmas.

Me an my Service Dog Bentley. He visited me in the hospital.

My Mother, Jason, Bentley and I on my release day

Angels and Updates

Update:

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone that has been following me thru my blog.   As many of you know I do not like to put open posts on Facebook about my medical conditions because that is not what Facebook is for and not everyone wants to read it. A blog gives people a choice to open it and read what is inside. I only put a few quick Facebook posts up in the hospital because I didn’t have access to my blog.

I have been home from the hospital a little over a week now and I am recovering from the surgery.   The surgery went well.  Last Monday at my post-op while the doctor was taking out the staples and stitches I was able to really ask him some questions. He told me he decided to take 10” from my colon because he saw some thickening on it, which means it, was a potential problem area.  I also had to get stents put into both ureters. These stents suck so badly. They are so uncomfortable and I get blood in my urine all the time. They are way worse than the incision. I go on Tuesday to get them out and I can’t wait! He also said he decided to scrap my left ureter (this is the pipeline that connects the kidney to the bladder) He mentioned that both procedures where radical, especially the ureter scrap, and most Doctors wouldn’t have done it, but since I am young he thought it was best to be aggressive. He did get all visual tumors J I just have residual left on the left ureter and that is why he thinks I should do chemo.

Chemo is still up in the air. They sent the tumors off to get tested to see which chemo will work best. He thinks it will be the same chemo I did last time, which is Carboplatin and Taxol. I decided if that is the case, I will do it. I just never wanted to be on chemo forever or on a study that would last forever and only be able to take “chemo breaks,” a month off here or there.   That’s no way to live for me. After speaking to him I decided that I really do like this Doctor, not just because he is very skilled, but because he takes into account a person’s age and their needs. This is very different from my previous experience and ultimately why I went to him. I finally have found a doctor that I like.

He also mentioned that he has been with a patient for 20 years with my kind of ovarian cancer and that he has done surgery on her 4 times followed by chemo and she is still doing pretty fine. I didn’t want to elaborate on the word phrase “pretty fine” so I just took it as a good thing. Remember, ignorance is bliss.

Angels    

So, as I stated previously I have met some Angels along the way.   People who know me know that I am a person that has faith and I believe in Jesus. I am not the church type because I know in my heart God loves me whether I go to church or not.   So when I pray I pray for him to send me Angels to surround me not just from heaven, but Angels that are here on earth too. Don’t worry I am not going to go all religious on you now. Lol!

I know that the road I am on is long. Getting thru surgery was my first battle, next is chemo. That being said I do believe everyone that has helped me on this journey is an Angel and that means all of you. As I mentioned in my last post going thru cancer the second time is way harder than the first time.  Every act of kindness is your own personal act of goodness and all of it helps me. Whether it’s a meal that you bring over, a prayer that you say for me, a donation, a card, a good vibe or just a quick hello how are you doing? I truly believe it will all help heal me. Like I said before physical strength gets you only so far.  Knowing that I am loved means a lot to me. It also gives me the strength to move forward without looking back. That’s what got me thru cancer the first time and I know that’s what will help get me thru it again this time.

So I decided to dedicate this blog post to all of you who have taken the time to reach out to me in some way.   I want to say thank you and no act goes unnoticed.

Update on Scheduled Surgery.

So, I am just giving everyone a heads up as to what the surgical plan is for Monday. I will keep it short and simple.

The Doctor said I will have surgery this coming up Monday. The surgery will be at FL. Hospital in Orlando, FL.  I go in for surgery at 5am then surgery begins at 7am.  The surgery will last about 2 hours, as long as there are no problems.  However, there is a 50/50 chance of a bowel resection, but no bag. I will definitely need a stent placed into my ureter for at least 6 weeks then they will replace it every so often.   I should be in hospital for 3-7 days depending on what happens.   As for chemo they will send off my tumors to get tested to see if they respond to chemo.  The testing will take 3-5 weeks to get back.  That is good so my body has time to recover.   Last time I started chemo a week after surgery.  So that’s good at least.  I can get my head right for that.  If it’s chemo resistant I will go over other options such as trials or whatever they list off as “options.”   So, now we just pray he can get all of the tumors out and without any problems.

I can’t even begin to thank everyone for the out poor of support. I do not think I have mentioned this, but I take everyone’s support, suggestions, gifts, prayers, jokes, food, funny videos, smiles, etc to heart.  None of it goes over looked and none of it is unappreciated. It really does help me feel better and I believe all the support will help heal me. It means the world to not only me, but Jason and my family.   I am finally starting to feel mentally strong for surgery.  I was battling depression for a while, but I think my psyche is aligning.  I know it’s important in order for my body to get thru surgery.   I will be able to get on Facebook from the hospital so I will give updates as best as I can.

UPDATES: Doctor’s Cont’d

Since my last post a lot has changed with my condition. Last time I was telling you I decided to do surgery and that is still true. However, my new Doctor in Orlando wanted me to get a CT Scan done ASAP, so I did this past week. I am glad I did because I have been having pain. The CT Scan showed a lot of things.   First, it showed that all my tumors have doubled in size.   The biggest being 6.7cm x 6.0cm. Second, another tumor in my left lower pelvis is causing an obstruction to my ureter (this connects the kidney to the bladder) which is making my left kidney enlarged; this is bad. Third, there is something going on with my lower left pulmonary lobe (the lung).   They are not sure what it is, maybe inflammation or it may be an infection. So, with all this news I have been scheduled for surgery on November 10^th at Fl. Hospital in Orlando. Because my tumors are growing faster than expected I will most likely get chemo after. L The Doctor said they will test the tumor to see which chemo will be affective in regards to chemo. So I am not on anything that I do not need.   I must say this entire thing is so taxing on me not just physically, but emotionally.

People often say to me that I am so brave and so strong.   I really love hearing that, but I just do what I have to do. Trust me the second time around is 1 million times harder than the first time around.   When you hear the phrase “Ignorance is bliss” this is a prime example.   All my anxiety and all my fears stem from the fact that I have been thru cancer and treatment before.   What I would give to go back to the day I just woke up from a regular routine surgery thinking I just had fibroids. However, on that day my doctor informed me that while I was under they found cancer, a lot of cancer, and that I needed an emergency hysterectomy, omentectomy, appendectomy and would have to endure months of chemotherapy. You see, the first time around my life was just thrown into this new world of shit. I technically went thru the “back door.” I had no idea I had cancer. I just woke up and the Doctors gave me the bad news. But this time, this time; no! I have to walk thru the front door.   I have to deal with it head on and it’s harder than I ever expected. Getting the diagnosis of having cancer, a second time around, is like being forced to walk into a burning building and you have no choice but to go into it. You have NO choice. You can’t pray it away, wish it away, bargain it away, buy it away, love it away or baby it away. I have no choice but to go into the burning building and who willingly wants to go into a burning building? Ironically, the only solitude that I have is knowing that I have been thru it before. However, this time around I may have some tools to help me along the way that I didn’t have before. Such as questions to ask the doctor, knowing medical terminology, being self -aware of my body, knowing what I need emotionally, knowing what medicine does what, knowing what to expect from certain chemo’s…the list goes on. But still, after all is said and done, nobody wants to willingly walk into a burning building no matter what supplies they may have, except for Fireman. Lol! At least Fireman are willingly saving lives. I am just trying to save my own.

At the end of the day I sit here thinking can I do this again? Do I want to do this again? I am scared! Cancer is a user. It uses your body to feed. It uses your emotions to make you weak. I am not sure if I am up to this physically or emotionally?! All I am, all I know is that I am a fighter and if I did it once, I will try my hardest to do it again. I just have to pray, be strong and know that I am loved.  I may get knocked down, but I’ll get up again, you’re never keep me down! Fuck You Cancer!

Recent Updates on Part 1: Doctors Cont’d. Treatment Options

In my previous post, I separated my blog into three parts; Doctors, Angels and Caregivers. I decided to hold off on the Angels post for the moment since I have a new update in regards to Doctors.   However, I promise my next post will be about all the Angels I have met on my journey, thus far.

In the meantime, I went to Orlando yesterday to see a new GYN/oncologist. I really like this Doctor. His opinion is informative and rational. He thinks I should definitely have surgery, and do it now, instead of waiting until I really don’t feel well.   If a bowel obstruction occurred during the wait, for example, my body would have to recover from both the surgery and the bowel obstruction.

While I am asymptomatic and feeling okay, I will heal better not having to recover from both situations. Lastly, he mentioned that if I let the current “hot spots” go without treatment, they can feed blood supply to smaller areas that may be growing.   He made me feel confident in his ability to perform the surgery.   I told him my concerns and he gave me good feedback

Either way, I will need surgery he stated. If I do nothing, then I am just waiting for the inevitable. Surgery can at least buy me some time. His rationale makes sense to me.

The only difference between his opinion and mine is he thinks I should also do chemo, not only thru a port in my chest, like last time, but through a port in my stomach as well.   He is the only doctor out of the four I’ve seen that suggested chemo.   I think that’s a bit extreme and I told him I am not comfortable with it. I just think that chemo breaks your body down too much. He said he would know for sure if it will be needed once they test the tumor to see if it’s resistant.

I feel that the point of the surgery is to buy me more quality time. Why waste that time doing chemo and then recovering from it? He also said that the chemo would statistically help only 17%. So he asked me, “What do you want to do?” I just shook my head and said, ”I don’t know.” I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Recently, I met someone that lost his wife a few years back to brain cancer and he also documented his experience through it.   In his writing, he compared the game ”Would You Rather” to the game of choosing the correct cancer treatment. I have to say he was dead on.   The game “Would You Rather” is a game that you play with friends. Your friends give you the dare; you have to pick one of two crappy choices, and then perform that crappy choice on the spot. For instance, would you rather drink oil or eat sand? Both those choices suck. That example is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to do either of my choices with cancer, but I have to; then add the guilt and trauma of wondering if it’s the right choice.

I am going to give myself a few days to think about it. I am now leaning towards doing the surgery sooner than later. I really wanted to wait until the New Year to get the CT scan and surgery because I would like to enjoy the holidays with my family and not in recovery. I also would like to finish my cannabis oil treatment. My 90 days to finish it are up on December 22nd. My next CT scan here is scheduled for January 6th and it would be nice to see if there are any changes. However, my new doctor is ready to do surgery probably in a month which means he wants me to get the CT scan done now.

Which do I choose? Wait until the New Year or do it now? Do I do chemo or do I pass on it? Am I willing to finish my oil treatment and risk possible new growth? So many choices and I am just so tired of thinking. The weight of my world is on my shoulders; it’s real and it’s heavy.

Fl Hospital in Orlando is where I went yesterday. They where recently ranked in the top 10 for Gynecology. That’s a great thing. Feeling confident.

Doctor, Angels and Caregivers. Part 1

The title of this blog post is called Doctors, Angels and Caregivers because thru this shitty journey I have met all three. The order is not of any importance it’s the role that each one plays in my journey.   Let’s start with Doctors.

Doctors

Since I last posted I went to see my Gyn/Oncologist. Usually the experience is very routine. The Doctor comes in, does an exam, talks about how I am feeling and they say we will watch things and then I leave to reschedule in a few months.   However, this time around the experience was much different. I had to wait for 1 hour just to be seen and then when I got into the room I waited another hour and half! Half naked with a sheet. All I can say is thank God for Iphones and thank God for that sheet. That a side, when I saw my Doctor her demeanor was different. I knew she was busy and in a rush, but overall I just got a dismal vibe, no answers and just more confused and anxious than before. We spoke briefly about what I have been doing the last few months and all the other doctors opinions. She agreed that surgery is still not the right option for me right now. I told her my use of cannabis oil and she didn’t have anything to say about it. She just said, ”I don’t know anything about it, so, I can’t comment on it.” I said, “okay.” That was no big deal, but what really upset me was the lack of compassionate care.   Feeling like I have been written off because there is nothing they can do for me so technically I am terminal. It really hurts to type that word. Terminal. It’s scarier than the word Cancer.

Anyways, I expressed my deepest concern and that was my worry of getting a permanent bag because when I went thru chemo the first time I had to have one for 6 months and I always said and still say that the bag was worse than cancer. It was just a constant reminder that I was sick. It’s 24 hours a day, its high maintenance and there is no escaping it. Sometimes I would get anxiety because I felt claustrophobic with it. It all around sucks!! So the Doctor’s answer was this exactly, “Well, unfortunately most women who get ovarian cancer die from a bowel obstruction.” That was it! IT! All I could say was, “that’s nice” and my face said the rest. Where the fuck is compassionate care? I mean off the bat when I went thru cancer the first time she was so awesome and now I just feel like they look at me hopeless. It’s no good, so it’s time for fresh eyes. I am going to get another second opinion soon at different hospital down in Orlando to see if there’s anything new out there. This is important because my blood work shows that my CA-125 doubled, it went from 8 in May and now its 20.  Those of you who know about CA-125 know that anything under 32 is within normal range, but not for me.  At full diagnosis stage 3C mine was only 76.  The ca-125 can go into the thousands at my cancer stage.  So the doctors said its not a good indicator for me, but nonetheless, its still rising.  That’s not good. Also, when my current Doctor read the ct scan from Moffitt and saw that the tumor grew from 2.7cm to 3.3cm she thought that was faster than expected. Not good news either.   So, trying not to freak out, I keep strong and persevere on.  I will hopefully see the new oncologist soon.  In the mean time I have continued to eat extremely healthy and use the cannabis oil treatment.  I just started the 60grams in 90 days. I figure hey, its better than just waiting around and doing nothing like everyone else wants to do.  It gives me hope and hope is what I need.

Part 2 is Angels and I will post that soon.